Why is gay dating so difficult

From my clinical experience and the literature I’ve read, gay dating is so difficult because 1. Our Dating Pool is Sparse to Begin With. Numerous studies have been conducted since Alfred Kinsey’s s research into sexual behavior was published that indicate that approximately 4% to 10% of the population in the US is of a homosexual orientation. For every reason listed as to why gay dating is hard, there are even more reasons why we can claim that finding a partner feels impossible, but the truth is, we just have to keep working on ourselves, stay vulnerable, and allow our hearts to stay open even after we’ve experienced hurt and pain.

Finding dating (looking for something serious / meaningful) really hard - not getting reciprocated interest from anyone I am interested in, and vice versa, for over a year of attempts since my previous partner and I broke up. Is this normal?. Dating is tough as it is, but being gay adds its own extra challenges.

As if romance wasn't complicated enough already, throwing in the factor of being a part of the gay community adds a new dimension to the difficulty of dating. In a world almost obsessed with love, why do so many gay men struggle to find the relationship they crave so much? It’s no secret relationships can be harder to find in the LGBT+ community, but I’m tired of seeing articles saying ‘gay men are incapable of love’ and ‘monogamy is over’.

Posted September 7, Reviewed by Jessica Schrader. You keep coming up empty-handed, stymied in your efforts, no matter what you try. All of this talk of legalized marriage just seems to make things worse, adding pressure from friends, family, and even yourself. What am I doing wrong? As an openly gay man with over 30 years of experience as a therapist, I have seen scores of single gay men sabotage their efforts to find a partner, placing obstacles in their own path—without having the slightest idea as to what they are doing and why.

Fortunately, I have also learned how to identify and name these self-defeating and often hidden hurdles—and have discovered that they are beliefs that too many gay men repeat to themselves, often without even knowing it. They are as follows:. In my experience, this internalized belief is the poison that prevents some gay men from building a healthy relationship, and also why many mess up the ones they already have.

Few of us grow up unscathed by family, peers, and a society hostile to our attractions and behaviors. Some of us have been bullied as children; physically, verbally, and emotionally abused at tender ages by our peers and family members for being gay before we even recognized and understood our same-sex attractions. This toxic internalized belief is further ingrained if we have been treated harshly or abandoned by our fathers, the first men in our lives to teach us about our value in the eyes of other males.

Sadly, these wounds are difficult to heal, and as a result, can leave gay men with the sense that we are unlovable and thus unworthy of love, affection, and happiness. In my clinical and personal experiences, these feelings can be so deeply hidden as to be difficult to recognize, articulate and resolve. My clients rarely initially state or even recognize that they feel unworthy of love, but their behaviors tell a different story.

One telltale sign is obsessive jealousy. Once in a relationship, you may feel a constant need to control the other partner to make sure he stays connected and faithful to you. In addition, you seek never-ending reassurance checking his cell phone, needing to know where he is at all times, demanding he tells you he loves you all of the time—you get the idea.

What belies these feelings and behaviors is the fear that you are is so flawed that you cannot attract and keep a partner without monitoring and controlling him—even though these behaviors ironically push him away. No doubt, finding the right partner is not easy. Remember, you are looking for a life mate; that glass slipper is hardly one-size-fits-all, and very few men will qualify.

Finding dating (looking for something serious

For sure, so much of the gay male world is way too focused on looks, youth, the gym, partying, and fast hookups; so searching for Mr. Right is like looking for a needle in a gaystack. However, feeling subconsciously unlovable or unworthy can again rear its head here through your choices. That muscled, tattooed bad boy is hotter than hell, and great in bed, but is he showing any sign that he is ready to settle down?

You seek a man who wants a monogamous relationship, but do you really think you'll find him on Manhunt, Grindr or Scruff? Trust me, these prowling tigers do not change their stripes once they are hitched. Perhaps you have a bit of a fetish for the strong silent type. Is he really the one for you? Answer: Yes, honey, it is. If you find yourself consistently in these patterns, perhaps you are, as the song goes, looking for love in all the wrong places.

In the old days, when I was coming out, being gay had more of an outlaw quality. For sure, the pendulum has swung far in the other direction. Contrary to heterosexual fears, legal gay marriage has given the institution an enormous boost in importance.